It was the summer of 2019. I knew what God was asking, but I didn’t like it one bit.
I felt like one of my children on a pool day during the easy breezy days of summer. It was time to leave and God was hollering out to me, reminding me to get out of the pool, dry off, and follow Him to the car. But I wanted to keep playing in the water. Each time I sensed He was about to speak, I quickly submerged my head underwater, pretending I couldn’t hear Him. That way I could just stay where I was a little bit longer.
God was asking me to release my full-time hours at church and move to part-time. There were many reasons behind this decision. Some seen and others I would only discover in time. I knew I needed to release in order to create healthy margin in life, align myself with God's heart for this season, and serve others in a way that He intended.
He was asking me to have the courage to walk with Him instead of galloping frantically at my own pace. To release a portion of what I loved and trust Him in the adventure ahead, even though I was doubting the results would actually be what He promised.
My passion for my family, worshipping God and building the local church was not, and is not, diminishing—but my passion to write burned just as bright. In my mind, I didn’t see how the two could complement each other, growing lavishly hand in hand.
In the past, I took it upon myself to decide what to do—I would be all in with one and shelve the other. Often that meant allowing writing to lie dormant and dust-caked on the shelves of disobedience until I deemed it the opportune time to pick it up again.
I knew from experience that I didn’t have the capacity to be full-time mother, full-time ministry, and full-time writing. I had tried and failed, epically. Yet each time I would lay aside writing to focus my full-time effort in the ministry world, I felt as if I wasn’t being fully obedient to what God was asking me to do. What God was asking me to do would require a major mindset shift on my end. A lifestyle change, to put it mildly.
In order to align my life with what He was asking, I couldn’t do things the way I used to. I had to think differently. I wasn’t sure it was a price I was willing to pay.
On one hand, I had to be honest about my capacity. I had to ask for help and delegate responsibilities allowing people to come alongside to help carry the amazing privilege of building God’s Church. This was hard for me because I truly enjoy so many aspects of what I do, I didn’t want to release anything.
On the other hand, I also knew I needed to do less—and that only happens through people joining the cause. In turn, this could release me to carry well the weight of worship and writing, mothering and wifey-ing—giving each room to breathe and grow.
There were also some deeply personal things that God was putting His gigantic finger on in my life—things He wouldn’t let me ignore that needed to be dealt with. Internally I had to be okay with not being the go-to person for many problems.
God must be allowed to provide the solution to the problems we face. I had to be okay with not being needed. Whether imaginary or real, this was a hurdle for me. I wanted people to see me as competent and reliable to the nth degree.
When the superwoman facade fades, what’s left is an average, ordinary girl who fails regularly and desperately needs Jesus like all the rest.
Who I was in the eyes of God would never change, but what people thought of me might. I needed to be okay with that. In turn this meant that I couldn't be eternally available; I needed boundaries. When I was available, I would be all in and when I wasn’t, I wasn’t. I had to be okay with that. Okay with learning to say no to kids, family, work, and friends at times in order to align my life to walk God’s way.
I had to learn to walk with God in a fresh way that seemed absolutely foreign to me. And in all honesty, I’m still learning.
Slowing from a full-forced run to a courageous walk has been one of the most courageous things I’ve ever done.
At my core, I had to learn to deeply trust God and have Him be my one true source. To trust Him past my expectations and requirements of Him. To trust that His plan is good, even when it seemed as if He was withholding good. To accept the fact that His dreams had not changed for my life, or for others, and that He is still more than able to accomplish those dreams.
The roadway He was asking me to walk on was shifting in an unknowingly good way, but the destination was the same—and God remained as strong, wise, and loving as ever. I just needed to trust Him.
Going all in with God often looks different than what we’d expect it to. For me, accepting the role of a part-time-walking-worshipping-writer instead of a full-time-flailing-fighting-to-do-everything woman was as courageous of an act as charging toward enemy lines.
"The path of obedience is often the most courageous thing we could ever do. I was learning that it takes as much courage to walk as it does to run and fight."
Photo Credit: Michael Block on Pexels.com
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